Ryan's Journal

Clearly we need to take a step back from today's political scandals and consider the real problem at hand: early onset Alzheimer's. There must be something in the water system that's causing so many of our appointed officials to lose their memories.

Schlozman, Doan, Gonzales: you poor, poor people. I propose we institutionalize these unfortunate public servants to better treat and deal with their loss as I'm sure the disease will have quite an impact on their loved ones and, of course, their own well-being. Institutionalizing them is the least we can do to reward their hard work.

We'll also need to guard against this kind of epidemic in the future. Aside from studies of their environs to isolate and eliminate a common vector for transmission - medically speaking, vectors are disease transmission vehicles, from said water supply to hand railings to inauspicious shrubbery - we obviously need to put this on the appointed officials' entrance exam. Anything worse than five minutes to complete the arduous but balanced exam should indicate that the appointee may want to go into fields where functional memory retention is not a prerequisite.

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